Sonic.VIDEO

I am a big fan of the Sonic The Hedgehog series. One day, my friend Terry decided to mail a copy of a strange Sonic game called "Sonic.VIDEO". I was very curious as to what it was. So, without further hesitation, I decided to give it a go. The game started with a super loud song that sounded like "Angel Island Zone" from the Sonic series, with a strange title screen that had the game's title on it. This gave me a shake, considering that I had my headset on while I was listening to it. The song sounded so loud, I immediately started the game.

The game started with a file selection screen that had 3 characters. So, I went to the first "file".

There, I quicky realized something about this game. It played like a real Sonic game, but the characters were completely different. The first character I played as a wheel with only one eye. The game never told me the names of the characters, so I didn't even mother giving him a nickname.

This wheel, was, ironically, a very slow character. I think the programmers were too lazy to give this guy his proper speed, but I digress. The first stage took place in a prehistoric world. Ironically, there were no dinosaurs. I quickly proceeded right and discovered a strange blue creature who looked a little bit like Sonic, that is, if he was on the Atari 2600. He said "Do you like starfruit?!". But, this question wasn't answerable. Soon, the prehistoric landscape was burning with fire. Then, out of nowhere, for a split second, the wheel died in front of me, and then there was scary text on the screen that said "I want strawberry jelly!"

I had to take a break from the game due to me getting so traumatized over the wheel's death. Once I came back to the game, I checked out the next character. Before that, however, there was scary text on the screen that said "Woohoo you suck". I thought that this was a big offense. I do not suck! Then, I checked out the next character. It was... a purple dinosaur. I believe he is from a movie called "Jurassic Park". Correct me if I am wrong, but that character always scared me as a kid. Anyways, it was cool to play as him. His special ability, (believe it or not, he's the only one to have a special ability) is to pull out a stop sign. What a bad special move. It proved to be very useless, as it couldn't even hurt Sonic.VIDEO. Once again, Sonic.VIDEO stabbed my character. Then, he said, "Now he's dead and he is on the floor! No more purple dinosaur!" That scared the living glo-worms out of me. I didn't know what to think. Could the game be reading my mind?! At this point, it became very hard to tell if this game was either all fake or all real. I didn't even know if it was jokingly made by my friend or not.

The last playable character was...? It's hard to describe who this character actually was. He was... familiar. It's hard to describe it, but he wore yellow with purple overalls. He was... Wario! I knew something was wrong here. This whole game is wrong. As Wario, I immediately went left and what happened was very, very odd. Wario got stabbed, but no blood shown. While he got stabbed, he was near a big ring from the first Sonic game. Why? Because the ring would take you to a level called "Yakkity Yak". "Yakkity Yak"?! I loved that show when I was a kid! It was the best show ever! It had... back to the point... In this level you would play as a character that I actually recognized! In it, you played as Patrick from SpongeBob SquarePants, who like all of the characters, was very slow. But, the game crashed when trying to use him due to a bug? My friend never told me anything about this game so screw him. That game was so bad, the shit in my pants was about the size of Mount Everest and I had to go to the hospital just to get the shit out of my ass. I sold all my Sonic stuff, and then I moved to South California, where I got big off of 1,000 cheeseburgers. Now, I can't walk. The End! Now, I'm slow!