420 Afternoons at Shrek's Hentai Emporium

Now this is the story all about how

My life got flip turned upside-down

And, I'd like to take a minute (hope you don't get upset)

And tell you how I quickscoped the final boss of the internet

The First day of my Ordeal
Hello, good chaps and chapettes. I have come before all of you, on this fine and excellent day, to tell you a tale of what happened to me, many scores ago.

It was well into mid-summer, and I was quite haplessly unemployed. I was rummaging through the interconnected web of servers and proxies, when I so clumsily stumbled upon a videogram. Curious, I clicked on the said videogram, and it brought me to a rather obese and sickly pale individual. The man began talking, "R u out of a job and want 2 maek monies quick? Cum to Shrek's Henrai emporium! (We promise we won't raep you)." I was indeed interested by the man's generous offer, and in response, I commenced the searching of this said location. Once I had located the said emporium, I rode my automated mechanical petroleum-powered carriage device, as quick as the machine's capacity would allow me. When I had finally arrived to my desired location, the same sickly pale and obese man from the videogram greeted me. "Hai an wecum to Shreks Hantai Emploliam, im sHrek." I kindly shook hands with this man, and he proceeded to show me around the emporium. "Dis where we keep da weed, an dis where we keep da dank maymays", when he had finished his tour of the area, I retired to my office. It was getting late and I was quite weary, so in response to my weariness, I took a short nap. When I had woken up, I noticed Sanic running around on one of the electronic interface screens. I brushed it off and fell into a deep slumber.

The Second day of my Ordeal
When I had arrived at the emporium, the marshal did not look pleased. "Wtf wer yu doin????? We lost all our weed and dank maymays!!!!!!!" "I'm terribly sorry, sir. I will not let it happen again", I said in shame. When night fell, again I noticed Sanic running about in one of the screens. However, something was quite odd about the way Sanic ran. When I zoomed up on him, I noticed that while he was running, he was depositing the 'Dank Maymays' into a secret pouch. I alerted the rest of the securety team, and they all fired their sniper muskets at him. When the maelstorm of bullets had finally concluded, I noticed that Patrixxx was engaging in what appeared to be rape in the Lady's latrine. I brushed that off and fell asleep.

The Third day of my Ordeal
I had unfortunately arrived late, and my marshal berated me greatly for that. "Nex time i cetch yuo l8, im gonna conficsate ur coffe machine!!!!!!" I took the warning to heart, and quickly sat down at my office. There, I noticed a journal (which I presumed was filled with past employees' experiences).

Entry 1:
I was a huge fan of Jeff the Killer and Sonic.exe. I had all the Jeff the killer and Sonic.exe movies and merchandise. Every night I would thank Jeff the killer and Sonic.exe for the life I was given. One day I saw an ad on tv about this "Hentai Emporium". I was in great need of some money to start my Jeff the Killer and Sonic.exe fan site, so I greatly accepted this offer and went there right away. While I worked there, I started a Jeff the Killer and Sonic.exe fanclub. Sure, I was the only member, but everything needed to start small, right? One day the manager approached me, I thought he wanted to join my Jeff the killer and Sonic.exe fanclub. Instead he started yelling at me about how the other employees were getting tired of fanclub and that my fanfictions about Jeff the Killer and Sonic.exe were cancerous. I proceeded to tell him that Jeff the Killer and Sonic.exe were love and that Jeff the killer and Sonic.exe were life, but he had enough. He then fired a laser from his finger and killed me 9999999999 times.

Entry 2:
SOH WAN DAI I SAW A ADD ON TEH TV AN I WAZ LIEK OKAY SOH TEH MANAJER WAUZ LIEK IM SHREK AN I WAS LIEK FUK YU SOH DAH MANAJER DIED ME AN NO I DIED IM RITING DIS FROM DIE DATS HOW I RITE TIHS

AND TEHN A SKELETUN POPOED OUT

AND UR NEXT

Entry 3:
Hello m8's. One day, when I was quickscoping scrubs on Black Ops 2, I found a dank ad about a hentain emporium. I noscoped the front door and ran as fast as I could. When I got to the Hentai Emporium, Shrek said, "lel, u used speedhax." "Uwot m9? U wanna f8?" "Lel, ur not even FaZe." "1v1 me irl scrub." "okay." So I quickscoped, hardscoped, blazescoped, swan dived, head shoted and noscoped him off the map. Then he respawned and hardscoped me.

Day Fo' muthafukas
Yo niggas, I took da gangsta' potion by accident 'n now I talk like a gangsta'. I was muthafukin' late fo' mah muthafukin' job again becuase the muthafukin' popo stopped me fo' bein' a nigga gangsta'. Now mah boss be shoutin' at me so I tell him to muthafukin' shut up. Da boss got pissed off an' locked me in da muthafukin dungeon. In da muthafukin' dungeo I noticed Skepolo, Animefan9999, Handsome Jerk and a bunch o' otha' muthafukas. I got mah army of muthafukas an' we busted outa' dis joint. When we's got da fuck out, Shrek was pissed da fuck off. So we fired a muthafukin' laser at him, an' he got ganked. But then, that muthafuka' got the fuck up an' transformed into da muthafukin' boss o' da internetz.

The Final Boss of the Internet
The "Gangsta" Potion that I had consumed, was finally exiting my system. I rejoiced in the thought that I would finally converse in a well mannered and gentlemanly form again. As I rallied my forces against this barbaric "Final Boss", armies of skeletons came, cloaked in the night's eternal darkness, and commenced their ambush upon our already humble base. They looted our cannabis and fired at us with their sniper muskets. We could only retaliate by firing our sniper muskets back. This madness continued, until LaugingSkeletalFigure brought reinforcements. I conducted my legion to commence in a secretive attack on the "Final Boss", while ReptilianMonsterFanatic1 and LunarShelledSlug fended of the skeletons using Flavoured Tortilla Crisps and Mountain Resin.

As we neared the "Final Boss", the ground beneath our garrison combusted and out spewed a flurry of Brass Instruments and Personal Communication devices. Even though we fought back the impending threat quite valiantly, swarms upon swarms of brass instruments and personal communication devices kept erupting from the ground. Sir Kerbin of Trollpasta gained an epiphany. He devised a plan for smiting these unruly foes, once and for all. We loaded the entirety of our cannabis into a cannon. As we lit the cannon, Sir Kerbin of Trollpasta exclaimed, "420 blaze it!" As rapidly as he had cried those very words, a beam of light exploded from the cannon that had been filled to the brim with cannabis. Suddenly the beam of light turned into a giant Pragmatic Canine (the musician of course). Pragmatic Canine shouted, "Smoke weed everyday", and beams of fiery cannabis rained down from the heavens. The brass instruments and personal communication devices combusted at the sight of this, and from the remains of the combusted brass instruments and personal communication devices, grew great cannabis trees. "What are ye doin in mah swamp?" The "Final Boss" erupted.

"Ah, if it isn't my former marshal", I spewed at the "Final Boss". "I'm gonna shrek yu!!!!!!" He retorted. "Well, seeing as I have the upper hand on the matter, should it truly be wise for such a respectable person like you to react in such an unrespectable way?" "U wot m8? yu gonna die for dat!!!!!!" Suddenly, the ground began to shake. A colossal crater opened up in the ground where he struck his massive onion club. Luck favoured me, as I was quite able to evade the attack. "Cum out here and f8 me!!!!!!!" The "Final Boss" landed another strike upon the ground. This time, magma spewed from the impact crater. "Is that truly the absolute best you can do?" The "Final Boss" grew agitated from my comment. "Yu gon die now!!!!!!" "That may very well happen, but it shall not happen on this day!" I shouted as I shot him with my sniper musket 1337 times. "Oh noes, im blastin of agains!!!!!!!!" It was finally done, the "Final Boss of the Internet" was finally smitten.

Day 420
This job sucks, I quit.

© Fireurchin Enterprises ™® 2015