James The Murderer

Introduction
Once upon a time, I was scared by Jeff The Killer. I couldn't sleep at night, and that face kinda disturbed me. However, I hadn't actually read the bleedin' pasta. So, I took it on myself to read it and...

It was really, really stupid. It was fucking laughable. Why I was afraid of it, I will never know.

So here's a spoof. Hopefully the nightmares fade away. Cheers.

The Only Survivor
Local newspaper headilnes read: SERIAL KILLER AT LARGE - NO EVIDENCE OF MURDER, INTERVIEW WITH ONLY SURVIVOR IN OTHER NEWS, SHITTY CREEPYPASTA USES NEWSPAPER HEADLINES INSTEAD OF ACTUAL INTRODUCTION

In over the span of three weeks, sixteen people have been found dead, killed in their own sleep. Deputy Dan McKodney commented on the murders, "We are looking for prime suspects, but haven't got any lead. All we know is that whoever is responsible is a dangerous psychopath."

After looking for evidence, a kid said that he survived one of the attacks. He bravely told us this story:

The Survivor's Story
"I had a bad dream and woke up in the middle of the night. Then, I noticed a slight breeze coming in. I thought that was weird, as I had closed the window when I went to bed. I went to shut it once more. Then the breeze came back. I, again, realized that the window was open. And then I shut it. Again. But for a third time, a breeze came in. I said, "Fuck it," and went back to bed. I tossed and turned about the covers until I felt the strange paranoia of being watched. So, I looked out my window. And I noticed the fucking breeze hadn't stopped. But the other thing, that made me jump out of my bed, was that stupid breeze was getting harder. Oh yeah, and there was a guy who had dark, ominous eyes and a long, horrendous smile that looked like it had been cut off. He said one single sentence. A sentence so mundane and normal and yet spoken like a madman. "Go to sleep," he said. "Fine, fine!" I exclaimed at him, "I'll go to sleep! You know, you could have closed that window too, you know." The figure said, "I didn't mean it as a command, I meant it as the killer's last words." I replied, "You know, you could have said that." "ENOUGH!" he yelled, and pulled out a knife, aiming at my heart. He jumped on my bed, as I fought. I kicked, I punched, I thrashed, anything to get him off my bed. That was when my dad came. The man threw the knife at my dad's shoulder. He would have finished him off, if not for R2-D2 for Star Wars barging in and shooting at the lunatic. An army tank then crashed through the back door, and fired a missile at him. It miraculously missed. You wouldn't believe what happened next."

We cut him off there because it sounded like this was lying. We then patted our pockets to find our wallets missing. I murmured, "Snot-nosed little punk."

''The police want information on this person and if anyone sees a person with description akin to that of this story, contact the station. You know, because a teenager with eyes bordered in black, a smile that's been cut off a la Christopher Nolan's Joker, and a white face is SOOOO hard to find.''